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How to Talk to Midgets Dwarfs

& Other Nuggets of Wisdom

If you are fortunate enough to encounter a midget, er.. uh, dwarf, there are a few things you should know before engaging in conversation. Dwarfs don't like to be called midgets. I just learned this... the hard way. Also, if you are a woman, don't say "My eyes are up here." Not cool. Also, don't automatically assume that all dwarfs are good at acting. That is a rude stereotype. Some suck pretty bad at acting. Did you see Willow? Ok, bad example. How about Elf? Also, bad example. Hmmm... Maybe they are all good at acting. Just in case, though, you should not be surprised if you ask one of them what they do for a living and they say they play basketball for the Lakers or they clean the elephant exhibit at the zoo, or they operate a mini golf course, or they are a horse jockey, or they are a proctologist. Remember that not all dwarfs like being funny, so don't assume that when they trip and kinda fall-roll to the ground into a puddle of water or get stuck in a pothole that they are doing it for comedic effect. Even if they are in costume at the time, this could still be an accident, so don't make my mistake and laugh hysterically! Help them out, and give them a handkerchief (preferably not used) so they can wrap it around and warm up in it. If a dwarf tells you your hair smells nice, thank them kindly, and give them a compliment in return, like they have a nice butt, or their arms look toned. Dwarfs love that stuff! This friendship could be short-lived though, if you decide it is time to give each other nicknames and you give your dwarf friend a nickname that refers to his or her short height, such as Cannonball, Stumpy, Teletubbie, Half Pint, Squirt, Leprechaun, Shorty McShort Shorts, Fun Size, Oompa Loompa, Frodo, Tinkerbell, Person McNugget, or Butt Sniffer. Instead, it is better to make them feel better about their height with names like Light Bulb Changer, Tall-tubbie, Titan, Shaq, or Non-midget. If your boss is a dwarf and is giving you a hard time, you'll probably be fired if you ask them to stop micro-managing you. Lastly, if you know you will be encountering a dwarf, it is a good idea to put on shin guards before hand. You never know when you are going to say something that might offend a dwarf.

Those who prepare for the zombie apocalypse never run out of toilet paper. Who's the fool now!?